Missing … chocolate doughnuts?

During the week leading up to Mother’s Day, BE told me several times that she missed her first mom (FM). I’ve told BE many times that it’s ok to miss FM and that she can always talk to me about it. I asked BE what she missed about FM. She replied that FM always used to give her chocolate doughnuts. I asked if there was anything else she missed. This time she said that FM also gave her chocolate milk.

For the first time, I felt sad about my place as second mom. During this talk, I fully realized that although FM won’t be able to be there for BE as she grows up, BE will love her for giving her treats. Meanwhile, BE will hate me for raising her – for discipling her, for giving her chores, for making her do her homework, for not buying her all the new toys she wants. BE was with FM for three years, and because BE will never accurately remember those years, she will idolize FM. And she will demonize me. Especially when she gets old enough to tell me that I’m not her “real mom.”

But no matter what, FM will be respected in our house. Aunt S (BE and BC’s aunt) and I were talking about this recently. We were talking about what to disclose to the kids and at what age. Neither of us really knows what the answer is. But even though I feel sad now, I want to help BE remember the chocolate doughnuts for as long as possible.