A few weekends ago, I was taking the kids to Grandma G’s to spend the night. BE started asking me about why J and I decided to adopt. I gave her my explanation, and after that, she said, “But it was really hard on me and BC.” I acknoweldged her pain and the conversation took a different turn.
When I thought about it later, I realized that BE might think that J and I had something to do with the fact that she was separated from her first parents. After she was dropped off the next day, I had her alone in her room for a few minutes, and I asked her if she thought this. She said, “yes, kind of.” So I tried to explain to her that the courts and judges make that decision, and that the agency was not able to match her with another family until this decision had been made. I talked about how J and I didn’t even know about her and BC when this was happening. And, I shared that we would never have wanted to separate their family, that we would never have wanted them to experience that pain.
After hearing this, she replied, “bad boy, bad girl.” I asked her what she meant, and she said that she was referring to her first parents. I told her that sometimes people make mistakes, but that doesn’t make them bad. I also told her what I’ve said many times before, that I hope she will see them again someday. I had a very difficult time explaining all of this, so I’m not sure that she completely understood. I hope she at least understands that J and I wouldn’t willingly cause her pain.
8 thoughts on “No one’s fault”
I think our boys sometimes think we are responsible for them moving from their last foster placement to our home. I am at a loss for how to explain it to them but I am glad you shared that you did. I’m not sure either of them would even be able to understand but it is worth a shot.
Sometimes I forget to think about the future – that some of these issues will resolve and change over time. I hope my kids will understand the situation more as they get older.
It sounds like you handled it very well. Sometimes that’s all we can do.
Thanks for commenting and reading, Sally!
Hey, good for you to have the possibility occur to you that she may be thinking that way. What an important thing for kids in their position to know. Not easy to talk about or easy to be sure she gets it but you can always revisit the topic.
I, too, think you handled it well. It’s important that your children have positive feelings about their first parents, since that will play a big factor in how they feel about themselves.
The most important thing is that you’re OPEN to talking about it, and that you do it with such compassion.
Thank you, Lori!