In Heather Forbes’ latest newsletter, she answers a reader’s question about the progress of his son under “Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control” (BCLC). Here’s his question:
For the past six years, we have been implementing the Beyond Consequences parenting model with our son and have seen a massive amount of improvements. We have changed our lifestyle, found the perfect school and teacher for him, and supported him with tutoring. I feel like my wife and I have even done much of our own work to keep ourselves from reacting and in a place of love with him. However, even after all of this, I still see our son struggling! I am frustrated because I truly know that he has everything right in front of him to get better. Is there something more we should be doing that I’ve missed?
I love Heather’s answer, because it’s a great summary of what first attracted me to BCLC: we can only control ourselves, we cannot control our children. Here’s part of Heather’s response:
Let go of your son’s outcome. It is not about giving up; it is about letting go and changing the tool of measurement. Ask yourself about the process in which you engage with him: “Did I give him understanding, acceptance, and validation today?” These are the things that should be measured because these are, in reality, the only parts over which we have any control. We cannot control the outcome of any child, especially a child with a trauma history. Thinking that we can is in essence ignoring and discrediting the strength and power of free will.
Check out the complete newsletter on Heather’s Web site.