It Finally Happened


Yes, it finally happened, the moment every adoptive parent anticipates, but dreads. The moment your child says he or she wants to live his or her first parents.

I knew it would happen, and when BE was mad at me the other day, it did. I’m not even sure what she was mad about; sometimes the things that upset her seem trivial to me, but are obviously significant to her. So, she told me that she wanted to go live with her first mom and that she was going to look for her. I tried to be understanding and asked what she thought it would be like to live with her first mom. BE told me that it would be fun, because her first mom would give her chocolate and let her stay up late.

BE later apologized – she usually does once she calms down – and I found that I had survived this milestone in tact (although a little sad)!

It is not your fault


No matter how many years I know my kids, I’m sure there will always be things about them that I will never understand. I’ve written about BE and BC’s Life Books before, and occasionally, BE will want to look through hers together. The other night, we were looking at it, and I read one page to her that I’ve always thought is very important, but she’s never seemed to care much about it. One sentence on the page says, “Whatever reason you are not living with your birth family, it is not your fault.”

This time, she responded by saying, “yes it is.” So, we talked about how people make their own choices and how children cannot force their parents to do anything that they don’t want to do. That was the closest we’ve ever come to discussing exactly why she doesn’t live with her first parents – this is a conversation I’m not looking forward to having because it’s not a nice story. We still didn’t address it directly, but at least we set the stage for next time.